A Quarter of A Century Old

Happy Birthday to me!

Last week I turned 25 and it is so bitter sweet.

Bitter because I longed for as long as I can remember I have wanted to have children before I turned 25. Stupid right?! I mean its a number and a pretty young one at that…Its a flawed dream but it was a dream none the less. And as I enter this new year I am fighting off the sadness that is accompanying my empty womb. I will not let it define me though. I will wait on my Savior and let Him move in our lives.

Sweet because 25 will be one of the most challenging years of my life. With lots of change, new focuses, fellowship and a shift in roles at home and work I am looking forward to the memories this year will bring. So with all that being said I want to make a short list of things I hope to accomplish this year.

1. Become my husband’s biggest fan. He is going through a lot of change with occupations and sometimes I can be negative. Well not anymore. He is the most important person to be and if I have to wear a cheer leading outfit every day to encourage him gosh darn it I will!

2. Move on from the Church. I love my job in ministry here but I feel called to something different. Whether that be staying at home with children, nannying, or other administrative work, I just know my time here is coming to a close.

3. I want to invest more in the lives of my sisters and best friend. With so many changes coming up in our lives, I want to be involved and present for all of them.

4. Establish a schedule of cooking and cleaning at home. Because of our jobs it is very difficult to have a pattern in our lives but this year I will find one and implement it.

5. Work out 5 times a week. I have always loved working out (not as much as sleep) and I want to find a time in my day to take care of my body.

6. Take a vacation this year with just me and the husband. Some where crazy fun and romantic at the same time.

7. Create an oasis in our backyard. Add some new plants, change a few things, and add a hammock (every oasis needs a hammock!).

8. Have more quality time with my husband. With all the changes I want to find something we can do together that we both love. I want to say good bye to our usual movie dates and spice it it up with laughter and conversation.

9. Decorate for the holidays this year, even if its just a few things here and there. I want to create a home for Aneurin and I, and I feel that with all my major decorating done I can start to add the fun holiday touches.

10. Grow closer to my Savior and spend more time seeking Him. I will create a time in the day for my Lord and keep it consistent. He deserves more than the scattered time I offer now.

And lastly

11. Be 25. I want to live this year not rushing toward 26 or craving to be 21 again (that was one of my most favorite times). I want to enjoy this time and find my purpose in Christ during this year.

So that’s my list of goals for the year. I want to take my time and make most of these goals a life change not just a box to check off. So here is to the new year I have been blessed with and I look to see how the Lord will use me!

A Friend, A Prayer, and An Opportunity

I have been avoiding this place like the plague since my last post. I really can’t be that whiny in real life can I? Well anyway I wanted nothing more than my next post on this blog to be a celebration of pregnancy, but God had better plans. Plans I fought but plans none the less. 

Rewind a week, I was four days late…come on isn’t that a sign!?! But no I was not meant to carry a child this month. So I cried. I cried more than I have ever cried. The problem was not that I wasn’t pregnant, it was that it gets harder the lonelier I feel. I was trying to protect my husband so I felt distant. I was trying to impress my friends at how well I was handling this all so I felt alone. And I was mad at God so naturally I pushed Him away.

Well, I really didn’t know I was doing any of this until a few days ago after a talk with a friend. 

I realized I was wandering in my “desert” and was praying for the Lord to take it away. I wasn’t asking for the Lord to reveal to me what He would have me learn/do while I am here. I was selfishly praying and asking for MY way to be done. Not His. Talk about a blow to the heart. Now I know that it will get a thousands times harder before it gets better because lets be honest I am a sinful creature and the Lord has me here for a reason. I know only He can remove this burden, so until He does I am going to pray for eyes to see what He wants me to see and feet open to His leading. I am going to diligently seek Him and His ways.

My friend went on to express the concern that my focus has fallen away from my purpose. I am here to bring glory to God and show Him to others. Not to have a baby. Although one day that might be a way I bring glory to God it is not a way right now. I have been neglecting the others in my life and that is another reason I am hurting.

So after a night of tearful prayers and repentance and a cry for guidance. An opportunity fell in my lap (Aneurin’s including). We were invited to start up a Home Group program at our church for our new young families ministry. WOW. God didn’t waste anytime. Aneurin and I after the course of a few hours are now involved on the ground floor of a new ministry and fellowship opportunity. We and a few other couples will meet different nights of the week for a while to structure a home group. This is going to be a very organic process that I am thrilled to be apart of. Because of our work schedule, we have been unable to connect with others and this is the perfect answer to prayers. While this is just the beginning, I am so grateful for the people in our group and the different stages of life they represent to us. I am praying the Lord will guide us all as we begin this process and grow together.

 With everything that has happened in the last week, I couldn’t be more in awe at the fact that when I thought the Lord was distant, He was closer still.

I serve a mighty God. 

One of Those Weeks

Well this last week SUCKED! I am exaggerating since I obviously have people who love me, a job that pays our bills and a Savior who longs for me to spend time with Him.

But this last week the devil really took control of my mind.

Long story short but I had a series of events that made my emotions go off the charts. All of them seemed to keep my mind focused on pregnancy. Something I swore I wasn’t going to do. I don’t want to dwell on every symptom or sign or possibility. I want to live my life not consumed with the desire to start a family. It is hard. I have failed the last few months and I swore this month would be different. Well after a week of of medical issues that were not able to be solved because of the small possibility of pregnancy, I was overcome with emotions and constant loss of control. I couldn’t stop thinking and I couldn’t stop my mind from taking over my emotions. I let it take me on an awful journey.

Here I am, a week later, and I am exhausted. I still don’t know if I am in fact pregnant or if the medical issues were from something else. I feel hopeless and completely alone and I know that is exactly where Satan wants me. I just can’t seem to just leave the room. Its like my mind likes it there. It likes the struggle between my head and my heart.

I have been praying on verse over and over again lately and while I know the Lord hears me and longs for intimacy with me, there were days where I felt like I was talking to a wall. It was because I didn’t believe what I was praying, not because God wasn’t there. He was there begging me to let go and let Him fight for me. I wasn’t being still. I was obsessing and fantasizing then crashing and blaming. I wasn’t waiting patiently. So I am trying to make last week count. I am trying to regain control while being still. Its hard and I fail but I am closer today than I was last week and that is a victory I can’t ignore. God fought for me when I refused to fight for myself. He is taking back control even if he has to pry if from my fingers (which happens on some days).

So with all that being said. I had one of the those weeks that sucked everything I had and I am paying the consequence for letting it. I am having to restart and rebuild. Good or bad that week is teaching me a lot of about myself.

So until the Lord leads “Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him.” Psalms 62:5

An Escape

This last week we packed up and headed over to California and by ‘we’ I mean my parents, sister, her husband and their 3 little lovelies.

It was a needed escape for sure and we had a blast. It was non stop fun, temper tantrums, naps, and giggling. I played ‘where is baby’ I don’t know how many times with N and watched a hermit crab with M and did A’s hair only to have it undone multiple times. It is memories like these that I never want to forget.

I want to remember how M burst out laughing at A’s temper tantrum and stated how funny it was (I wonder when he will realize he does the same thing).

I want to remember how N lights up when you smile him and will talk your ear off if you ignore him.

I want to remember how A dances whenever she hears music and those eyes she gives to uncle when she is not happy with him.

I want to remember how sweet my husband is when he lays on the floor to play with N. And how he sings to country songs he loves on a long road trip. And how patient he is even when he completely disagrees with you.

I want to remember how brave my sister and brother in law are for taking their babies on a week long vacation and sharing a room with them.

I want to remember how caring my parents are for putting up with a house full of craziness when you know all they wanted to do was relax.

I will remember it all, mainly because I have some great pics to remind me 🙂

A and I at La Jolla…she was not happy that uncle was taking her picture 🙂

M was my little beach buddy and loved to dig in the wet sand

A and Aneurin looking at the ocean and all the birds at La Jolla

M at Kono’s with his Sea World pennies Uncle made him the day before. That kid loves his monies 🙂

A and her paci at Kono’s. Her hair was done, I swear 🙂

A and Aneurin at a show in Sea World. They were dancing to the music.

As we get back to normal life and begin to look for a new job for Aneurin it’s nice to look back and remember that nice escape we had in Cali. I hope we can do it again next year but maybe with a few new family additions 🙂

Worn

Confession: I am struggling.

It has been a dream of mine since I was a little girl to be a mom. I never knew how deep those feelings ran until our miscarriage. The joy I felt seeing those two lines and the sadness that overcame me with the loss are feelings I never could have dreamt up, and some I never wish to have again. But right now as Aneurin and I wait for our next set of two lines, I am terrified. I want nothing more than to bring glory to God through our family and through trusting Him but I am clinging to my control with everything inside of me. I don’t think I could handle another heartbreak. I don’t think I can stop the worry.

I am stuck in a war in my head and I am worn. I don’t know if I am wanting to feel that joy again because of the possibility of losing it. I am scared I won’t make it through a second time. I know He knows what I can handle so why can’t I let go of my heart.

I honestly didn’t expect to feel like this. I thought I was ok. I thought I dealt with our miscarriage and grew from it, but the possibly of another pregnancy is taking me back. I can feel it all so vividly and I want to let it all go. I need to let go. It will consume me if I don’t and yet I am too tired to fight away the fear.

In the meantime, while I wait to be pregnant again, I am clinging to the knowledge that God is always good and true and He will win. I just need to let Him.  He will bring back my joy and He will rebuild my heart. I only need to let Him.

Worn by Tenth Avenue North

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I’m too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Gratitude and A Graduation

First off I suck at this whole blogging thing. I start each week with the intention to blog and for the last 5 weeks I have failed. For whatever reason I avoid my feelings and that needs to end now. I want to use this blog as a way to remember life so even if it is just a picture I WILL post once a week.

Ok moving on…

Gratitude…thankfulness…appreciation…gratefulness…These are all words I am dwelling on. I am trying to see the good, talk about the good, rejoice over the good, and pray over the good. I am not ignoring the bad but the way I see it is that this is the only way to battle my lack of contentment. My brain has to relearn how to think. So without putting them in any particular order here is a list of things I am grateful for right now:

Husband, clean water, music, electronics, my family (including my precious little loves), my best friends and our IHOP waiter (yes we have a waiter at IHOP), my co worker who always saves the maple donuts for me, co workers who have years of experience in life and loads of wisdom, design, Thursday dinner at mom and dads, my parents back yard, a car with air conditioning, air conditioning in general, and my health.

Now that I have those wonderful things listed, I want to say how proud I am of my hunk of a husband. This past Friday, Aneurin graduated from MMI. He is an official mechanic and he is all mine. We got to spend the weekend celebrating his accomplishment and I think it will be one of my favorite weekends we have together. But seriously I can’t stress how blessed I am to have such a hardworking, loving, and funny man. He is pretty much my favorite person and I love seeing him succeed.

Since I am so bad at keeping my photos on my phone (I am a clean freak), I deleted them before I could share so I took a screen shot of my instragram to share with you.

The pics are self explanatory, but we got tattoos of our anniversary as a graduation present and went to Sedona for the day. *sidenote* my husband is now addicted and has plans for future tattoos…I’m scared.

Life…It Happens

WOW…3+ weeks since I have posted. Sorry about that. My only excuse is life. I tend to fill my life with projects, friends and family, work (boo), my husband, and rest. Take a 35+ hour work week, with 2+ projects, 8+ hours with family, 6+ with friends, and whatever is left with my husband and life just seems to pass me by. I am trying very hard to enjoy this season of my life but  being content in this time is proving to be one of the most difficult assignments. I want this time to fly by but I know I will miss this more than anything. I will miss lazy nights with my husband and girls nights and poolside mornings and working on house projects whenever I choose. I will miss this and yet I am wishing it gone. I am wishing I had a baby. I am wishing to make my husband a father. I am wishing I was at home more that 4 hours a day. I am wishing I could do all the house chores instead of dividing them between the two of us.

My struggle is that I just can’t seem to enjoy this beautiful life I have right now. In fact I am having a hard time writing posts about my days when I wish my days were different.

With all that said I am making a change. I am living each day on its own. I won’t let life just happen. I am going to enjoy and create joy. I have chosen to cut out shopping, my past-time when I am dissatisfied with life. When I start to loose my contentment I will be still. I will let the Lord move in the quietness of my life and embrace the calm. I will only start projects when I am satisfied with the current state of my house. I will only add positive moments to my life, not temporary fixes. I am learning to let go of my control and let the Lord lead. He wants me in this moment of time for a reason and I have been missing it. It is my fault I am not satisfied and that ends now.

I will live in this beautiful moment and go a step further to rejoice in it. Even if it takes everything in me and I have to start over every other minute; I will refocus and rejoice.

Thank you Lord for opening my heart and for forcing me to live in the now. I will be still.

 

One Year Older

Aneurin turned 26 on Sunday. He is truly my favorite person to celebrate. I mean don’t get me wrong I love a good kid party, but my heart beats for this man and I love a good chance to embarrass and shower him with love. My guy is so laid back and really dislikes when a fuss is made over his birthday so I take it upon myself to make it a great day for him without the “fuss”. This year I decided his present would be a motorcycle…this was a HUGE jump for me. I had been holding on to fear about the future in hopes he would stop having a desire to get a motorcycle. Well a year later and a new career in motorcycle mechanics has shown me this desire will never go away. It’s something that would make my husband so happy and I just needed to let go of my fears and trust the Lord.

His day began with church in the morning, then we swung by to pick up M on the way to my parents house for lunch, hair cuts (my dad cuts the guys’ hair in our family) and some swimming. We had a great afternoon with our little buddy and ate some great food (thanks mom!). Late afternoon we packed up and headed home to drop off M, change and then head to see Star Trek and grab some dinner. It was the perfect day for us. Just nice and relaxing with some old fashion flirting and good conversation. I couldn’t have planned a better day.

Here are a few snapshots from the day.

M enjoying uncle’s birthday cake.

On our way to the movie

We had a little time lapse so we watched Saturday Night Live while waiting for our movie to start.

Aneurin enjoying his Red Velvet cookie.

And I couldn’t end this post without a cute pic of this little guy enjoying the pool. We had a blast swimming and hopefully this summer will bring us all some color…we are white! 🙂

Joyful Heartbreak

This is a very touchy subject and I trust the Lord has granted me the words to express my experience and emotions toward it.

Miscarriage.

A gross word. But let’s be honest it is much more attractive than its “scientific” name, spontaneous abortion. Don’t worry I won’t use that word again. I hate it.

Aneurin and I experienced a miscarriage almost immediately after we abandoned all forms of birth control. It was a huge shock to find out we were pregnant and a small shock to find out we had miscarried.

Believe it or not, I set myself up to think the worst. I almost expected to miscarry for no other reason than I tend to plan for the worst and be surprised at the best. It’s not my best quality.

Now don’t get me wrong, I was very excited to see two lines on my test. I can’t wait to build a family with Aneurin but it all seemed so surreal. So when the time came that I got a negative test followed by the miscarriage, I was ready to enter the world of reality.

The reality is for whatever reason the life that was forming encountered complications and stopped. The reality is I have a wonderful support system that will help me see past this moment in time. AND the reality is I have a God who has something better than my fantasy in store for me, even if I don’t experience it on this earth.

Its a humbling and heartbreaking moment in time where a thousand thoughts flash through your mind… how it is all your fault, and if I had only done this, or if we had prepared this, or if I had prayed that…the list goes on and on. In the end the one and only thought I will choose to dwell on is thankfulness.

I am thankful that we had the brief time we did with that life to love and feel.

I am thankful we were able to get pregnant.

I am thankful I have a husband who knows my weaknesses and lessens my fears.

I am thankful for the quickness and ease in which the miscarriage happened.

I am thankful for the friends and family who will be even more excited the next time we announce an addition to our family.

I am thankful for a God who heals and restores a broken heart and gives me the strength to always find things to be thankful for.

I am thankful for God’s will and His perfect timing in our lives.

I am thankful for scripture that speaks to pain and disappointment and fear.

I am thankful for fears that keep us grounded and for the spirit of peace that encourages a faith in our Father.

I am thankful for this blog that will help me remember.

Even in the darkest moment of self loathing and confusion and resentment and loss (yes I felt all of those and more), the light of joy was ever present and slowly growing as I knew this experience would shape the rest of my time here on earth. I am choosing to have it shape me positively. It takes constant control but I will choose joy.

I am choosing to remember that life is not ours to control.

I am choosing to remember that life is given by God alone.

I am choosing to remember to love and be loved even in the hardest of times.

I am choosing to remember that I am never alone in my life and that the Lord has gone through and knows all the pain I ever will and is my ever present stronghold.

I am choosing to remember that I cannot force contentment and happiness but rather it is a choice you make every day and sometimes every second of your life.

I am choosing to remember that joy comes to those who stay focused on the Lord.

I am choosing to remember that it is o.k. to fail, doubt, and grieve as long as those moments are followed by prayer and thankfulness.

It is not easy. I am cursed with a controlling and negative attitude that I fight daily, but  these feelings will mean something and I am praying the Lord gives us the strength to make this storm a blessing in our lives. We have and will grieve and continue to love the life the Lord allowed us to know. We will choose to remember our feelings and pray for those who are surrounded by pain. We will be excited and hopeful when the Lord grows our family again. We will thank the Lord daily regardless of our circumstances. And we will grow closer together and to the Lord.

While I am not ready to say I am glad we went through this trial, I am ready to say that because of the life we knew so shortly, Aneurin and I will take every though captive and choose joy.

Please know this was near impossible to write. I struggle, I sin and I fall short daily but the only thing that makes this life worth anything is the joy I find in my faithful, loving, and patient Father and because of Him I wanted to write this post to remind myself to choose joy.

Picture Dump and a Side Note

Thank the Lord for May. Its a slower month at work, my mom and hubby’s birthday month, and there is a day off work at the very end! Oh and I get to see Taylor Swift in concert again with my best friend…yeah  I am not going to complain about May 😉

Here are a few of the happenings so far in May.

Aneurin and I made a date out of an Ikea run. I love this man and his willingness to help me shop 🙂

We started our Laundry room make over. Its actually almost complete just need to add the last shelf and hang the art.

I am planning on painting our master a dark blue/gray color. So I spent the afternoon testing out paint colors. Still haven’t decided…

We took a break from all the craziness surrounding us (my parents move and our house projects) and had a date night. It was very much needed and this guy is always fun to look at 🙂

N turned a month old! I seriously can’t believe how fast time is going these days. I love this little guy and his easy going spirit. He is such a fun addition to our family.

Can’t wait to share all the upcoming events in May…this month is going to be a great one!!

On a side note… I wanted to share my emotions this Mother’s Day.

Wow, its hard.

I am so blessed to have an incredible mother to celebrate and dote upon, however, this year is different than all the rest. Its another year not being a mother myself and the miscarriage has completely shattered this day. I am looking forward to focusing on my mother and sister but today is when Aneurin and I were hoping to share the good news with our families. It would have been the perfect gift for my mom and instead I am here feeling sad for myself. I know these feelings will go away as the day progresses but its hard not thinking about what could have been.

Those emotions stink and I know it. I am working on it and praying for a spirit of faithfulness. I may need a few more emotional posts but I will get there.