I have been avoiding this place like the plague since my last post. I really can’t be that whiny in real life can I? Well anyway I wanted nothing more than my next post on this blog to be a celebration of pregnancy, but God had better plans. Plans I fought but plans none the less.
Rewind a week, I was four days late…come on isn’t that a sign!?! But no I was not meant to carry a child this month. So I cried. I cried more than I have ever cried. The problem was not that I wasn’t pregnant, it was that it gets harder the lonelier I feel. I was trying to protect my husband so I felt distant. I was trying to impress my friends at how well I was handling this all so I felt alone. And I was mad at God so naturally I pushed Him away.
Well, I really didn’t know I was doing any of this until a few days ago after a talk with a friend.
I realized I was wandering in my “desert” and was praying for the Lord to take it away. I wasn’t asking for the Lord to reveal to me what He would have me learn/do while I am here. I was selfishly praying and asking for MY way to be done. Not His. Talk about a blow to the heart. Now I know that it will get a thousands times harder before it gets better because lets be honest I am a sinful creature and the Lord has me here for a reason. I know only He can remove this burden, so until He does I am going to pray for eyes to see what He wants me to see and feet open to His leading. I am going to diligently seek Him and His ways.
My friend went on to express the concern that my focus has fallen away from my purpose. I am here to bring glory to God and show Him to others. Not to have a baby. Although one day that might be a way I bring glory to God it is not a way right now. I have been neglecting the others in my life and that is another reason I am hurting.
So after a night of tearful prayers and repentance and a cry for guidance. An opportunity fell in my lap (Aneurin’s including). We were invited to start up a Home Group program at our church for our new young families ministry. WOW. God didn’t waste anytime. Aneurin and I after the course of a few hours are now involved on the ground floor of a new ministry and fellowship opportunity. We and a few other couples will meet different nights of the week for a while to structure a home group. This is going to be a very organic process that I am thrilled to be apart of. Because of our work schedule, we have been unable to connect with others and this is the perfect answer to prayers. While this is just the beginning, I am so grateful for the people in our group and the different stages of life they represent to us. I am praying the Lord will guide us all as we begin this process and grow together.
With everything that has happened in the last week, I couldn’t be more in awe at the fact that when I thought the Lord was distant, He was closer still.
I serve a mighty God.
this young home 