A Quarter of A Century Old

Happy Birthday to me!

Last week I turned 25 and it is so bitter sweet.

Bitter because I longed for as long as I can remember I have wanted to have children before I turned 25. Stupid right?! I mean its a number and a pretty young one at that…Its a flawed dream but it was a dream none the less. And as I enter this new year I am fighting off the sadness that is accompanying my empty womb. I will not let it define me though. I will wait on my Savior and let Him move in our lives.

Sweet because 25 will be one of the most challenging years of my life. With lots of change, new focuses, fellowship and a shift in roles at home and work I am looking forward to the memories this year will bring. So with all that being said I want to make a short list of things I hope to accomplish this year.

1. Become my husband’s biggest fan. He is going through a lot of change with occupations and sometimes I can be negative. Well not anymore. He is the most important person to be and if I have to wear a cheer leading outfit every day to encourage him gosh darn it I will!

2. Move on from the Church. I love my job in ministry here but I feel called to something different. Whether that be staying at home with children, nannying, or other administrative work, I just know my time here is coming to a close.

3. I want to invest more in the lives of my sisters and best friend. With so many changes coming up in our lives, I want to be involved and present for all of them.

4. Establish a schedule of cooking and cleaning at home. Because of our jobs it is very difficult to have a pattern in our lives but this year I will find one and implement it.

5. Work out 5 times a week. I have always loved working out (not as much as sleep) and I want to find a time in my day to take care of my body.

6. Take a vacation this year with just me and the husband. Some where crazy fun and romantic at the same time.

7. Create an oasis in our backyard. Add some new plants, change a few things, and add a hammock (every oasis needs a hammock!).

8. Have more quality time with my husband. With all the changes I want to find something we can do together that we both love. I want to say good bye to our usual movie dates and spice it it up with laughter and conversation.

9. Decorate for the holidays this year, even if its just a few things here and there. I want to create a home for Aneurin and I, and I feel that with all my major decorating done I can start to add the fun holiday touches.

10. Grow closer to my Savior and spend more time seeking Him. I will create a time in the day for my Lord and keep it consistent. He deserves more than the scattered time I offer now.

And lastly

11. Be 25. I want to live this year not rushing toward 26 or craving to be 21 again (that was one of my most favorite times). I want to enjoy this time and find my purpose in Christ during this year.

So that’s my list of goals for the year. I want to take my time and make most of these goals a life change not just a box to check off. So here is to the new year I have been blessed with and I look to see how the Lord will use me!

A Friend, A Prayer, and An Opportunity

I have been avoiding this place like the plague since my last post. I really can’t be that whiny in real life can I? Well anyway I wanted nothing more than my next post on this blog to be a celebration of pregnancy, but God had better plans. Plans I fought but plans none the less. 

Rewind a week, I was four days late…come on isn’t that a sign!?! But no I was not meant to carry a child this month. So I cried. I cried more than I have ever cried. The problem was not that I wasn’t pregnant, it was that it gets harder the lonelier I feel. I was trying to protect my husband so I felt distant. I was trying to impress my friends at how well I was handling this all so I felt alone. And I was mad at God so naturally I pushed Him away.

Well, I really didn’t know I was doing any of this until a few days ago after a talk with a friend. 

I realized I was wandering in my “desert” and was praying for the Lord to take it away. I wasn’t asking for the Lord to reveal to me what He would have me learn/do while I am here. I was selfishly praying and asking for MY way to be done. Not His. Talk about a blow to the heart. Now I know that it will get a thousands times harder before it gets better because lets be honest I am a sinful creature and the Lord has me here for a reason. I know only He can remove this burden, so until He does I am going to pray for eyes to see what He wants me to see and feet open to His leading. I am going to diligently seek Him and His ways.

My friend went on to express the concern that my focus has fallen away from my purpose. I am here to bring glory to God and show Him to others. Not to have a baby. Although one day that might be a way I bring glory to God it is not a way right now. I have been neglecting the others in my life and that is another reason I am hurting.

So after a night of tearful prayers and repentance and a cry for guidance. An opportunity fell in my lap (Aneurin’s including). We were invited to start up a Home Group program at our church for our new young families ministry. WOW. God didn’t waste anytime. Aneurin and I after the course of a few hours are now involved on the ground floor of a new ministry and fellowship opportunity. We and a few other couples will meet different nights of the week for a while to structure a home group. This is going to be a very organic process that I am thrilled to be apart of. Because of our work schedule, we have been unable to connect with others and this is the perfect answer to prayers. While this is just the beginning, I am so grateful for the people in our group and the different stages of life they represent to us. I am praying the Lord will guide us all as we begin this process and grow together.

 With everything that has happened in the last week, I couldn’t be more in awe at the fact that when I thought the Lord was distant, He was closer still.

I serve a mighty God. 

One of Those Weeks

Well this last week SUCKED! I am exaggerating since I obviously have people who love me, a job that pays our bills and a Savior who longs for me to spend time with Him.

But this last week the devil really took control of my mind.

Long story short but I had a series of events that made my emotions go off the charts. All of them seemed to keep my mind focused on pregnancy. Something I swore I wasn’t going to do. I don’t want to dwell on every symptom or sign or possibility. I want to live my life not consumed with the desire to start a family. It is hard. I have failed the last few months and I swore this month would be different. Well after a week of of medical issues that were not able to be solved because of the small possibility of pregnancy, I was overcome with emotions and constant loss of control. I couldn’t stop thinking and I couldn’t stop my mind from taking over my emotions. I let it take me on an awful journey.

Here I am, a week later, and I am exhausted. I still don’t know if I am in fact pregnant or if the medical issues were from something else. I feel hopeless and completely alone and I know that is exactly where Satan wants me. I just can’t seem to just leave the room. Its like my mind likes it there. It likes the struggle between my head and my heart.

I have been praying on verse over and over again lately and while I know the Lord hears me and longs for intimacy with me, there were days where I felt like I was talking to a wall. It was because I didn’t believe what I was praying, not because God wasn’t there. He was there begging me to let go and let Him fight for me. I wasn’t being still. I was obsessing and fantasizing then crashing and blaming. I wasn’t waiting patiently. So I am trying to make last week count. I am trying to regain control while being still. Its hard and I fail but I am closer today than I was last week and that is a victory I can’t ignore. God fought for me when I refused to fight for myself. He is taking back control even if he has to pry if from my fingers (which happens on some days).

So with all that being said. I had one of the those weeks that sucked everything I had and I am paying the consequence for letting it. I am having to restart and rebuild. Good or bad that week is teaching me a lot of about myself.

So until the Lord leads “Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him.” Psalms 62:5