Worn

Confession: I am struggling.

It has been a dream of mine since I was a little girl to be a mom. I never knew how deep those feelings ran until our miscarriage. The joy I felt seeing those two lines and the sadness that overcame me with the loss are feelings I never could have dreamt up, and some I never wish to have again. But right now as Aneurin and I wait for our next set of two lines, I am terrified. I want nothing more than to bring glory to God through our family and through trusting Him but I am clinging to my control with everything inside of me. I don’t think I could handle another heartbreak. I don’t think I can stop the worry.

I am stuck in a war in my head and I am worn. I don’t know if I am wanting to feel that joy again because of the possibility of losing it. I am scared I won’t make it through a second time. I know He knows what I can handle so why can’t I let go of my heart.

I honestly didn’t expect to feel like this. I thought I was ok. I thought I dealt with our miscarriage and grew from it, but the possibly of another pregnancy is taking me back. I can feel it all so vividly and I want to let it all go. I need to let go. It will consume me if I don’t and yet I am too tired to fight away the fear.

In the meantime, while I wait to be pregnant again, I am clinging to the knowledge that God is always good and true and He will win. I just need to let Him.  He will bring back my joy and He will rebuild my heart. I only need to let Him.

Worn by Tenth Avenue North

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I’m too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn